Mindrocka

I’m often asked this, so here are the secrets of the string untangler.

1. Tangled string. An essential for any beginner.

Wikipedia describes string is “a flexible piece of rope or twine which is used to tie, bind, or hang other objects.” {citation pending}. Ironically it doesn’t attempt to define it tangled.

Don’t kid yourself with string that is loosely curled or scrunched up. I didnt get to be UK String Untangler 1968-69 (beating Furgus “Fingers” O’Mally) by shaking or unfolding string straight. No Siree. You need tangled string.

Tangled string is a naturally found substance, like mushrooms or truffles but you don’t need a pig to find some.

Any kitchen cupboard or garage shelf will have some and the commonly found white string will do. You don’t need any fancy colours like the stuff Bob Dylan sung about in “Tangled Up In Blue”.

Competition string is strictly produced under lab conditions by authorised representatives of FISU (Fédération Internationale de String Untangling) and is of a standard length (12 inches) as dating back to 1912. Hence the phrase “How long is a piece of string?”

2. Find the ends. “This is the end. Beautiful friend” as Jim Morrison once sang as he found the end of his bloated drug engorged string. And you must do he same with your ends. There are usually two ends.

3. Untangle. Like chess there are at least 3 or 4 possible openings. Some opt for the “left to right” movement, taking the left end and unravels towards the right. Some go for the “Rubiks” approach by twisting left the turning 90 degrees and twisting right and so on.

I favour the “Supernova” whereby you grip the centre of the tangle and unravel outwards like an exploding star. Keep this up for 2 or 3 hours and voila as they say in Span, your string will be tangle free.

String untangling skills can be used in other walks of life such as christmas tree lights, earbud leads and panties.

Note: the French do not untangle string. They see it as beneath them. Evidenced by the failure of the Maginot Line.

Don’t forget the string untangler’s motto: The twine is now.

This step-by-step guide will take you on a journey (rather like the band Journey went on in fact) through the process of song writing and not just any old song writing.  TOP 10 song writing!

There’s something magical about song writing. No matter how many songs I write or how much I know about song writing (and that’s quite a lot), I am still amazed and a little awestruck at the art of THE SONG, my song.

We can all make up songs. We hear it in the playground “Look at Johnny Davis with his big fat momma. Put her on a bike and she’ll fall right offa” Cruel but the sing-song delivery is pure song writing gold. We hear it on the building site where well known pop tunes are taken and the lyrics replaced with inventive new ones “U got Boobs like Jagger, Boobs like Jagger” to the tune of “Moves Like Jagger” by Moroon 5.

Do you want to have your own top ten hit parade hit? Do you? Do you?….. Yes you do. And this guide will show you how.

The start

How on earth do I get a song started?  Good question, I’ll tell you.  At the beginning.  If you start at the end then you’ll never get going.

And if you’re like that writer in Misery stuck at the typewriter with writers block just before Kathy Bates ties you to the bed, then read on…

Ginger mopped Ed Sheeran starts off with a plaintive strum of the acoustic guitar before singing about Bosco Albert Baracas.  Whilst unemployed Brit rapper Dappy, in “No Regrets – explicit version” begins with  O-whooa-Oooo –oooh, na na na na na.

There are literally dozens of ways to start a song. Take your pick.

You might wonder “what should my first words be Mindrocka, they’ve got to be good don’t they?” And you’d be wondering wrong. Consider Adele’s Rolling In The Deep. Completely indecipherable. As is the rest of the song.  But that didn’t stop Adele from have a smash hit despite her weight issues which I’m glad to say doesn’t bother her so it shouldn’t bother you.

So any old words will do for the beginning and if you must use swear words or make reference to bodily parts then use the good old euphemism, e.g. “My Ding-a-ling”  or “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” or “The Best of Britney Spears”.

Hang on Mindrocka, you’ve got ahead of yourself a bit here, haven’t you forgotten something rather important?

No, I haven’t. But let me tell you a little story…

I go into my local Our Price record store and ask to hear the latest 45 from QMS and I’m told by a 40 year old dressed half his age that the Quciksilver Messenger Service split in 1974 but I could hear the latest digital download by David Guetta as they don’t sell records any more only caffé lattes and remote control helicopters the size of a large buzzing bee. “I don’t want a coffee” I tell the bored assistant “I want to be rocked”. He puts my David Guetta  download in a bag and I leave unfulfilled. 

The moral of this story is that a song needs a TITLE. If I’d known that at the start my record buying experience would be more enjoyable by far and we all know a song by its title. Except  Bohemian Rhapsody or Kashmir by the Zep where the title isn’t mentioned at all (well, to the best of my knowledge anyway , there’s a lot of wailing going on so don’t hold me to that).

A hospital radio DJ doesn’t say “This next song is for Mary in Cardiac that goes, ‘nobody knows it, when I was down, I was your clown, right from the start’”. No he says “This is ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ by Elton John”. It’s the TITLE.

Don’t make the title too long like “You Can Make Me Dance Sing Or Anything (Even Take The Dog For A Walk, Mend A Fuse, Fold Away The Ironing Board, Or Any Other Domestic Shortcomings)” by Rod Stewart as it will never fit on the paper circle of a 7” single or make it too short like “If” by Telly Sevalas or his follow up “But”. So no “Ifs” or “Buts”.

Once you have a title and those first few words you are off on an unstoppable course like Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock with a BOMB of a song that could go off if you slowed down to a funeral dirge. But be careful not to follow it up with  Speed 2 : Cruise Control with the aforementioned Bullock which would be like writing “Colonel Salt’s Gregarious Lung Club Band”.

to be continued……

I dreamt I was a kitten

Wool & rather soft

I could fit onto your hand

Touch your mouth when you cough